Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 30, 2011

So I got to see a really nice doctor

After Monday’s debacle I got to the doctor’s yesterday and saw the registrar at my practice who I had not met before. He was really open and even apologised for having to ask me if I was suicidal!

He asked me how I was doing on my meds. I said I thought I needed a higher dose and he prescribed it. So I am now on 20mg citalopram rather than 10. How do I feel about that? Not too bad as the leaflet suggests that is the normal starting dose. Slightly concerned about being pulled into long term ADs but if that is what I need then I have to do it.

I have a few days of the previous dose left, so will not start the new one until about Saturday. Must remember to go back for a review in 2 months although I can have 2 repeat prescriptions.

I might see that doctor again about my hip. I think he might actually do something about it….

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 28, 2011

I knew I was ill!

No idea why, but I decided to double check my GP appointment at lunchtime. “It was last week” said the receptionist. What?! I NEVER get appointments wrong, and with just under 1 week’s supply of tablets left, today would have been the right day to go – last Monday would have been too early. Oh well, at least I didn’t have a wasted trip. Stayed home and had chips for tea followed by a lie in the bath instead. When I rang they did offer me an appointment this evening for 5.20 but I got stuck at work and couldn’t make it so I will have to ring in the morning to see if I can get in tomorrow night.

To be honest, when they told me which doctor I would be seeing tonight I wasn’t too upset not to see him. He is very experienced but has twice fobbed me off about a painful hip (still there) so was not keen to see him about depression.

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 27, 2011

Anticipation

How has the weekend been? After the major dip of last weekend I was a bit anxious about being home for 2 days – work seems to keep me occupied so that I don’t have time to dwell on how low I am feeling.

Friday was ok until the late afternoon when I rang my husband to check he would got to pick our son up rather than me having to call a favour in.  We had words – mainly because he was tetchy (had run out of cigarettes) and instead of asking if I would mind picking him some up he was grumpy on the phone. That set the tone for the evening. I got home in tears and would have gone straight to bed but was unable to sneak in. BUT he had got tea ready for when I got in which makes a change.

Otherwise I have been fairly low but not too bad. I even caught myself singing at one point! I have kept quite busy though – making Christmas cake, baking, and making Christmas cards. I even did some ironing and all the washing got done.

Tomorrow I am due back at the doctor’s. I don’t know whether he will keep me on this dose as 1 month is not long (it will only be 3.5 weeks on Monday but it’s the late clinic) or whether he will increase it. And I don’t know what to think about that, it doesn’t feel like a bad idea but am I just being pulled into the AD trap?

Will update tomorrow…

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 22, 2011

Back on the upward track

A better day today – bit up and down but at least I was able to hold a conversation at work! Very busy and a latish finish has kept me busy which I think helped. I am beginning to wonder whether my problems will be worse at the weekend. I will have to wait and see…
Meanwhile, it is December next week! I really need to start thinking about Christmas properly. I have started to make my cards but have NO presents. My son also wants a Playmobile Advent calendar. He may have to go on wanting… I, on the other hand, am determined to get an Advent Candle this year. Just need payday to come.

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 21, 2011

I haven’t posted for a week!

When I realised, I started to feel a bit guilty, then stopped myself. This is not supposed to be a chore that I have to do at a certain frequency, it is a place to express myself as and when I need to. Once I realised that the guilt faded away!

So how was last week? Pretty good and I started to feel like a fraud again. Then on Friday I started going downhill. I think it was because I am not sure whether my husband was planning on cheating on Saturday. He rang from work to ask if he could go fishing with his friend on Saturday. I told him it would be cold but he said they didn’t mind. So I said he could go….. on condition that he send me photos of him and friend fishing and that when I rang I expected him to answer the phone and not ring me back later as he is in the habit of doing (“I have it on silent so I don’t hear it when you ring”) He said fine, but when he got home from work said he had changed his mind and that it would be too cold to go. I’m not convinced. I think he has used the excuse of going fishing to cheat before. He has had little other opportunity.

So Friday evening and throughout Saturday I was a bit low, (not helped by finding a text on his work phone from ‘Mt’ that just said “Hello”!) Then on Sunday I plummetted and was still really low today. I managed work by going through the motions but have been in tears tonight.

Feeling a little better now. I have 1 week before I go back to the doctor and I must not expect the ADs to work straight away I suppose. I have felt so low today that I felt as if I were physically ill.

I hope tomorrow is better. I have a busy work day which helps.  You know, I do feel better for writing that down!

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 13, 2011

One week on

I thought as I have been on the pills for a week now, that it would be good to reflect on how I have felt this week.

The first 2 days I felt like a fraud. I thought I was quite well and my mood was ok.  Maybe it was the effect of the doctor taking me seriously and prescribing the ADs or because I had done something about how I was feeling.

I then had about 3 days of feeling flat. I can’t describe it any other way. I didn’t crash like I did a couple of weeks ago, but there was just nothing there. I went through the motions of going to work, coming home etc but nothing more. Then I suddenly picked up. There was no obvious reason so maybe the pills are kicking in. I had 2 days of quite high mood, nearly euphoric even, I felt that I had got my ‘bounce’ back.

Yesterday that reduced a little, but I don’t feel particularly flat.

The side effects seem to have reduced too. My hands went a bit ‘twitchy’ for a minute or two this morning and I can sleep for England so I’m going with it as much as I can. But that’s it.

So all in all, I am going into week 2 feeling pretty good. Hope it continues.

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 10, 2011

A birthday

My little boy is 8 today! Quite grown up but still likes his cuddles. We’re taking him and a couple of friends bowling after school which should be manageable. He’s had a rough few days at school (unusual for him) so I am hoping that today will be better.

Not had chance to post for a couple of days; husband around and I’ve been SO TIRED! Doing a quick post now then I’ll put my feet up on the settee for an hour before I have to go out.

The side effects of the pills are improving. Stomach has calmed down and not quite so spaced out now although the second day of that lasted longer than the first. My vision has been a little odd but I’ve been ok at work and I don’t need to drive much. Had an early night a couple of nights ago but was still so tired yesterday that I was dozing at my desk. Another early night last night and not much better now. At least I have the day off and I should get the boys home relatively early tonight. Need to have a quick tidy up before they come. I’m just pleased that I managed to get my son a birthday present and card on time and a cake for when he gets home…

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 7, 2011

Side effects

I’ve had a generally good day today. I have noticed a few side effects from the ADs though (at least that’s what I think they are, you can never really be sure can you – or is that paranoia!?)

The first I noticed yesterday. I am taking my tablets last thing at night and am getting the runs in the morning (enough said!) Nothing too major so far although it did last a bit longer today than yesterday. To be kept an eye on I think.

Otherwise, I was a bit shaky this morning – not emotionally, but physically. It didn’t last long, just till after breakfast (or have I been too busy since then to notice?) I also realised when I was talking to a work colleague this morning that my hands had become (how can I put this?) twitchy, hyper. Might bode well for knitting!

I felt a bit anxious on my way to work this morning, and a bit vague/vacant when I first arrived. That is probably the depression although one of the side effects is that the anxiety can get worse during the first 2 weeks.

I’m going to keep posting these, it will give me a record for when I go back to the doctor.

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 6, 2011

A new addition

I am 2 days into the ADs and all is well so far. It is when I feel like this that I think I am a bit of a fraud for saying I am depressed; but I remember that I was feeling like this 2 weeks ago just before I had a major mood crash – that was the worst I have felt and what pushed me to seek help. I went shopping and had an anxiety attack for no obvious reason and then needed help to get out of the car and into the house as I couldn’t see myself inside. I need to see this through and get better.

I didn’t post yesterday as it was my birthday. My husband was around all day and (this might seem odd!) whilst I know that anyone can read my blog, I don’t want him to know about it yet. I may want to write something about him that I would rather he didn’t see. I’m not sure at the moment where our marriage is heading and I might want to use my blog to mull it over. That is one reason I need to get better – so that I can make the right decision.

Anyway, our new addition. We now have a hamster! My son wanted one and it’s his birthday on Thursday so the Birthday Fairy said he could have it early. It’s quite cute (even though it bit me) and seems to have settled in well. One of the cats was taking an interest but she can’t get at it so hopefully all will be well.

Posted by: droitwichmummy | November 4, 2011

Well, here goes…

This is my blog.

This is a new experience for me; I’ve never even kept a diary before. So why now? Because I need a place to off-load, record a journey, and if others find it interesting or even helpful then so much the better.

I’m starting today because today is the day I start taking anti-depressants. I’ve been avoiding them for years but no more. I need to take back control of my life and to do that I need to have a clear head and I haven’t had one of those in years.

I didn’t want to take ADs because of the stories you hear about side-effects and people being on them for years. My ex-husband was on Prozac and Temazepam for a while and that was awful for both of us; but I don’t have either of those. I have a low dosage (10 mg) of some little white pills called citalopram. I hope they work…

 

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